The following is a conversation between Noah and God…
Noah: I was watching the weather forecast with that Thomas, Tomas, Tomasz Schafercake…? Louise Lear and she said there’s gonna be a massive flood. Something to do with Global Warming. I don’t know about such things. I’m a bit of a dinosaur. Sorry to mention them. Not your best work. So I was thinking of building an ark – which is a word I’ve made up because “Big Boat” sounds a bit shit – to put two of each animal in so as they can mate and continue as a species.
God: Yeah, good luck with the pandas because they hate the sight of each other. I don’t know why they just can’t get on. I’m sorry I created them bastards… Sorry, you were saying…?
Noah: But I was wondering how am I gonna get them into the big boat, sorry, ark, in pairs and no jokes about the worms going in apples, you’re not Jimmy Cricket.
God: If you build it, they will come.
Noah: You been watching that Kevin Costner box set I bought your son for Christmas? Have you got a son yet? I can’t remember. The biblical time line is a bit confusing. It’s a bit like those James Wan flashback movies. Anyway, you say that. How are the animals gonna know?
God: Because they’ll probably hear you hammering and sawing away. Failing that, you’re building a big “fuck off” boat. They’re bound to see it.
Noah: Oh yeah… Bloody hell, God you’re so wise. I trust you. You build everything. Planets, trees, animals. You should have your own slot on This Morning. Holy Willowtree will love you.
God: No, once I’ve finished here in a few weeks, I’m sodding off, never to be seen again.
Noah: Oh, where are you going, anywhere nice?
God: Funnily enough, I’ve been building a place up in the sky. Even given it one of those nice little name plates, that I made myself, obviously. Gonna call it “heaven.”
Noah: Aww, that’s nice.
God: Yeah, it was either that or “Rose Cottage.” To be honest, it’s gonna get really bad down here on Earth soon. Elephants moving in everywhere, taking your trees. You might want to think about not putting them in your boat.
Noah: God, are you anti-elephant?
God: No, don’t get me wrong. Some elephants are all right. It’s the lazy elephants I don’t like.
Noah: Wow. Okay, well send me a postcard from heaven, yeah?
God: I can’t. I haven’t invented pens yet. Maybe I’ll send you a bit of graffiti on a wall. Something with animals on?
Noah: Not elephants?
God: Good God no, not elephants. Bloody hard to draw. Anyways, I’ll catch you soon, yeah? Good luck with the boat. You’ll smash it. Not literally, obviously. Well, you will but that comes – and spoiler alert here – after you’ve saved all the animals.
Noah: Oh, cheers. Laters!
I think that’s what happened in the Bible. To be honest, I haven’t read it for years.
I’ve just phoned God and he said he can’t remember that far back and he gave his copy of the Bible to a church jumble sale, so it might be true.