Feeling strangely optimistic that I would live for another 21 months, I decided to purchase my usual fun calendar for next year from Amazon.
It arrived in an envelope so big that Sting phoned me to ask for the return of his rain forest.
I sat down and opened the envelope and started to read all the stupid jokes on the calendar for each month, knowing that I would forget each one by the time I’d incrementally reveal them next year.
I read the joke on the August page and flipped it over to find… October!
I flipped back, picked up August between my thumb and forefinger and did that weird rubbing movement to see if I could separate August from September but there was nothing to separate. There was no September.
Had the calendar been sabotaged? I checked the curly wire top to see if there were fragments of torn paper but there were none. Maybe the saboteur had carefully and skilfully removed them?
I checked and shook the envelope to see if September was in there. It wasn’t. How very bizarre.
Did I now have something rare? A calendar with no September?
Would this be of value, like the Royal Mail printing a sheet of stamps with the monarch’s ear missing? Or the Royal Mint producing a two headed coin?
Did this mistake mean that there was another calendar with two Septembers? So, if someone had a bad September, they could just start it again straight away and see if they could make it better?
Or had this September literally fallen out with the other months and was going it alone?
To me, the most disappointing thing about having no September would mean having no birthday to celebrate and fewer conkers to play with.
On the plus side, my team, QPR, would remain unbeaten in a month that didn’t exist.
But what if the calendar makers know something that we don’t? What if there’s secret government legislation to quietly cull the month of September because they know the last week of the summer holidays really drags for parents?
Maybe they culled September to encourage healthy eating habits and to stop people consuming the wrong foods?
September has National Cheese Pizza Day on the 5th, International Chocolate Day on the 13th and National Drink-A-Beer Day on the 28th.
I really wish I had made those up but I haven’t.
September gets its name from the old Latin word “Septem,” meaning seven because in the old Roman Calendar, it was the seventh month of the year and looked after by their Vulcan God – Mr Spock.
Mr Spock famously said, “Live long and prosper.” So, I’m not sure what he’d make of me having 30 days of my life stolen from me and the rest of my life being out of sync with everyone else’s because I don’t have a September for guidance. I’ll be a month ahead of everyone and celebrating Christmas in November.
Unless there isn’t a November in my Calendar? To be honest, I haven’t checked. I only got as far as seeing October before I wrote this.
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Russ Writes 
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