Facebook Frightmares

I only joined Facebook six years ago and only after my friends had got weary of me sending them long emails that they simply hadn’t the time or enthusiasm to reply to. In short, they politely said: “Look, if you want to know how I am and what I’m doing, join Facebook like everybody else.”
So finally, after one drunken night, I apparently breezed through the signing up process and woke in the morning to find I’d somehow joined Facebook and the 21st Century!
But my joy was short-lived after I read the very first Facebook conversation which genuinely went like this…
“I’m having a cheese sandwich.”
“Ooh, I love cheese sandwiches.”
“Me too. I love them with pickle best. Yum-yum.”
“Yes, now you’re talking. Cheese and pickle the best.”
“Cheese and ham are nice too.”
“Yes, why have one filling when you can have two?”
“What’s your favourite cheese? I find Cheddar is best for sandwiches.”
Now, I’m thinking, why don’t they just all meet up in Greggs?
At that moment, I really didn’t think I’d still be on Facebook 6 years later and worse, recently finding myself joining in similar conversations about my favourite Easter Eggs.
What has that place done to me? I’m very scared.
One of the most annoying things are the “fishing” posts. (Not a typo). People who write things like…
“OMG! I can’t believe that just happened!” or “I can’t wait for tonight!” or “Aaaaarggghhh!”
Why can’t they just say what it is and not leave people hanging because I also get tired of reading: “What’s up, hun?” “OMG! Me too!” “Are you okay?” and the 20-other stupid emojis and comments that go with it before you finally discover that it really wasn’t worth all the suspense.
As an experiment, I recently quit Facebook.
It started okay, then I started having withdrawal symptoms; including shakes, shivers and cold sweats followed by loss of appetite, chronic depression where I locked myself away, drew the curtains, lied in a fetal position under a duvet before covering my bedroom wall with bizarre scribblings about cheese sandwiches.
So, an hour later, I re-joined.
Darn you, Facebook!


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