The Trouble With Horror Films

For me, the worst thing about watching horror films is there is always a lot of women screaming in them.

At which point, I always hurriedly turn the tv volume down because I never think the neighbours will assume I’m watching a horror film but think that I am obviously murdering my girlfriend and they will call the police.

Having said that, no matter how many times we’ve watched horror films together with the volume up, not once have the neighbours knocked to see if she’s okay. Which means that they either don’t care about her or are used to murders in our block of flats and think it’s normal…?

We recently watched a horror film called “Crabman.”

It was about a guy who was sunbathing on the beach, went for a paddle and got nipped by a crab.

The following day he woke up, looked in the mirror and was amazed to find he had turned bright pink – which he put down to having sunbathed too much.

He then went to a café and started shovelling food into his mouth with his rapidly growing pincer hands. Once outside, he started walking sideways. Which was okay as everyone was playing “Pokemon Go” on their mobile phones and hadn’t noticed.

As days passed he had completely transformed into an adult crab and started terrorising and eating everyone on the beach, including a command of marines. Finally, the air force were called in and they caught him in a big net and threw him into a giant outdoor hot-tub where he boiled to death.

At the end of the film the closing credits disclaimer read: “All characters and events in this film are fictitious.”

Oh really?

So, it wasn’t based on that 1979 incident in Whitstable, then?

“Any similarity to any persons, living or dead, is purely co-incidental.”

What similarities and what people?

Maybe I missed that episode of Embarrassing Bodies. It probably also featured Frankenstein and The Invisible Man…?


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