My High Street is about to get a new Tanning Salon in a prime location – the corner of the High Street and the first shop you see when arriving from the train station and between McDonald’s and Wetherspoons.
It’s also a premises where the past half dozen businesses have failed in and lasted 6 months because my town doesn’t do niche. It’s not Brighton or Hastings.
Anywayze, here’s the thing…
I will assume for observational comedy sake that it will open between 9-5.The people who, for whatever reason are not working between those times could find the opportunity if they so wish, to go outside, maybe walk around a bit or go outside and sunbathe if they want to and, I’m guessing, if they do this often enough, they’ll, by design or accident, get a tan and for free.
So why would you pay for (a) a fake tan where, and listen carefully to what is wrong with this sentence, “some stranger asks you to remove your clothes and paint you with a spray gun” (you can’t even find that stuff on YouPorn). At worst, you look like you’ve been paint-balled with faeces.
Or (b) You lie on a sunbed (no thanks, not after the watching the scene from Final Destination 3) and come out looking like you’ve lost the fight with a Marmite jar.
And years later, after using sunbeds, no one thinks you’re remotely attractive as your skin is the same colour and has the same properties as a shrivelled onion. Everyone regrets it.
The people who ironically could benefit from a tan (and we’ve established no one benefits from a sunbed tan), are workers who ironically cannot go because they work the same hours as the tanning salon is open. Which is why, whenever you walk past a tanning shop, all you can see are inactive bored receptionists listening to iPods.
Possibly because seeing people painted or cooked isn’t a spectator sport, although in lock down, I’ve been known to watch anything.
I give the shop six months before becomes a shop where you can swap old comics.