Bedtime Story

When I entered the bed shop I wasn’t expecting to see a showroom the size of a football pitch with nicely made up beds along the walls.
I felt like I had walked into a very posh 1960’s empty hospital ward.
Using a telescope, I could just make out the figure of a female sales assistant walking towards me. I explained what I had seen online and wanted. The exact headboard, the firmness of the mattress and the type of base – I decided a sliding door divan would be easier for me to hide away from the world than contorting myself into 4 drawers.
She then asked if I’d like to try the mattress and walked me over to a bed where two other female assistants were standing.
I now had some embarrassing decisions to make. How comfortable should I get? Should I take off my quilted jacket or leave it on for realism? Should I take off my shoes? Should I change into my pyjamas and set an alarm clock?
The reality is, it’s very difficult for a guy to get comfortable on a mattress in a showroom when he is being watched by 3 women or anyone.
Should I appropriately behave like a dog and lie down, sit up and roll over? Was I supposed to stand on the bed and jump up and down like on a trampoline and do body tucks and star jumps? Maybe I could test all the mattresses in one go and bounce around like Tigger, leaping from one bed to another?
What is the protocol here?
Having seen how many beds and mattresses there were in the showroom and fearing that I may get asked to try them all in some kind of nightmare version of Goldilocks, I just sat on the bed and gently rocked and patted the mattress and said: “Yes, that’s fine.”


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