The Changing Face Of Crime

There’s been recent controversy about some police forces use of Automated Facial Recognition to help identify suspected criminals and potentially solve crimes as some claim it infringes upon people’s human rights and invades their privacy.
Apparently, it’s more accurate than CCTV because the camera takes a biometric map of the face, then compares the images on police “watch lists” to recognise criminals.
For me, this could be a helpful tool because previously, during every episode of Crimewatch, I used to – if I squinted at the screen – resemble every photo-fit picture of every crime suspect.
My worry wasn’t helped when those criminals were often described as middle-aged men and always generically dressed in baseball caps, hoodies, jeans and trainers because that described every item in my wardrobe.
Why do criminals mainly dress like me?
Some villains who can’t afford hoodies, commit crimes wearing a blanket over their head which explains why they’re escorted into court wearing blankets. Sorry, they deserve to get caught going out conspicuously dressed like that. What are they thinking? “Just look for the blanket guy. He did it.”
Why does nobody ever commit a crime whilst wearing a nice suit? Surely, no one would suspect them and then they’d get away with it.
Sometimes, watching Crimewatch, my Catholic guilt would overcome me and I’d convince myself that I had committed every crime shown even if I’d never visited the towns where they were committed.
Armed Robbery in Edinburgh? That guy looks like me. Fight outside a kebab shop in Birmingham? Probably me because it’s the kind of thing I’d do for a kebab. Robbery of baseball caps, hoodies and trainers from Sports Direct? Case closed. Handcuff me now.
By the time Nick Ross finally said: “Don’t have nightmares,” I was already cowering behind the sofa waiting for the police to knock.
I’d become so scared to go out in case the police arrested me for being in possession of an offensive face. So hopefully, my biometric face, whatever that means, will exonerate me.


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