Ripping Yarn

I’m still finding the shiny polymer £5 and £10 notes very annoying.
Firstly, they are hard to unstick from each other. This always works against me, never for me. I’ve never been handed back too much money but have accidentally handed over too many of these sticky fivers a couple of times.
It is claimed that these new notes can withstand numerous cycles in a washing machine (they certainly can’t shrink to any smaller).
But when pulling a polymer £5 note out of my wallet yesterday, and with very little effort, it tore into two pieces. It literally fell apart.
This is the second time this has happened to me. I’m thinking of going on Britain’s Got Talent to rip apart a wad of fivers.
Why not? In 1970’s talent shows, men often ripped apart phone directories. It regularly passed as entertainment, along with people bashing tea-trays on their heads because, before the internet, people had to amuse themselves somehow.
This accidental ripping meant I had to run into Poundland to buy 5 rolls of Sellotape. Why buy 1 for a pound when you can buy 5 for a pound? – It keeps my uncle in the attic for longer, anyway.
Then, because I’d look weird Sellotaping money together in the High Street and fearing it might blow away, I headed for a public toilet cubicle.
I spent ten minutes trying to unravel tape whilst men outside waited patiently thinking I had IBS whilst playing a kazoo, and Sellotape my money back together (badly), making the Queen’s head askew and looking like she was having a stroke.
I nervously managed to spend this fiver whilst paying £8 for drinks, cleverly hiding it under an untorn fiver and handed it “rip-side in” so as the barmaid couldn’t feel the tape.
When I arrived home after a few more rounds of drinks, my smugness wore off when I discovered the same fiver had been handed back to me and was sitting in my wallet.


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