Something strange happens to people when they board public transport. They inexplicably talk louder. People sat mere inches away from each other, start shouting as if they’re in a wind tunnel.
It’s impossible to leave a bus or train without knowing the entire relationship history of every teenage girl as they’ll discuss previous boyfriends, current boyfriends and guy they find fit and will definitely date soon because they’re “dumping Ryan on Saturday.”
It’s also the law for them to totally disrespect their girl-mate, who they’ve just been laughing with, the moment they get off.
Teenage boys will discuss all their sexual conquests – normally adding a zero to the actual number – in a bizarre game of Top Trumps as they reel off girls’ names as if reciting Lou Bega’s Mambo N0.5.
Men of no importance will pretend they are bosses as they shout down the phone using “geezer-talk” to their pseudo-Italian work colleagues, Jonno, Stevo, and Robbo.
Whatever top position in the company they think they have, the reality is, they haven’t earned enough money to afford a car which is why they are on the bus.
The only words men never shout into their phones in public are “I love you” to their partners, preferring to cough or mumble the words instead because they find it strangely embarrassing.
Women will often discuss what they are having for tea that evening.
Mother’s will always invite their young children to sing “The Wheels On The Bus” on every bus journey – which is fine unless the journey is longer than five minutes when they should then end the song with the line “The passengers on the bus say, “Shut up now!”
When passengers are not talking loudly they’re playing their “personal” play-lists loud enough for the whole carriage to hear. Strangely, it’s always rap music and they sing along to disconcerting tunes about violence and killing.
Maybe next time I’ll join in and play “Silence Is Golden” – at full blast, obviously.