At five-years-old I once went into my mum’s bedroom to try on her high heels but this was just to see what it would be like to be taller than my siblings, than any Eddie Izzard cross-dressing tendencies.
It was a stupidly pointless task as 3 of them were teenagers so, unless I’d discovered a pair of amazingly high platform heels worn by some deaf, dumb and blind kid who was good at pinball, I was never gonna be taller than them. On reflection, I should have just climbed on the wardrobe. I waited 12 years to become taller than all of them.
Oh, and any guy who says he never tried on his mum’s shoes to look taller is a liar. Girls, ask your partners tonight and watch them mumble “No, never,” into their chest. They’ll never admit it.
But I’m really glad I never tried on make-up…
Yesterday, a mum was applying make-up on the bus with her young daughter, when the child, opening up some “mad facial silver glitter stuff” – that has to be applied with a pastry brush, apparently? – somehow managed to throw the whole box up in the air and shower the entire back of the bus, myself included, making us look a giant real-life snow globe that your nan would keep on her chest. (Not her actual chest – That would be mad. Unless your nan was mad, obviously.)
The woman looked into her compact mirror, noticed the guy behind her staring at her child in disbelief at her clumsiness and said to him: “Haven’t you seen a child put on make-up before?”
And instead of saying: “Yes but she didn’t actually put any on herself, just everyone else” he just sheepishly slumped back into his seat and stared out the window and we all left the bus looking like R2D2 from Star Wars.
Unfortunately, before they left the bus they never did make up properly.