Congratulations to William and Kate on the news of their recent pregnancy. Now can we leave them alone?
I don’t want to see or hear about any of the following in the remaining 6 months of the pregnancy…
1. Her cancelled engagements. She’s pregnant. Surely that’s expected and not newsworthy?
2. Videos or discussions about Morning Sickness when I’m eating my Weetabix.
3. Discussions on Royal Lineage. The baby will be fifth in line to the throne and unlikely to reign – It’s like living four doors along from the lottery winner. End of debate. Next…?
4. Lorraine Kelly discussing pregnancy fashion. You’re pregnant. Dress how you want. If people can’t deal with how you look, that’s their problem, not yours. You probably won’t feel like dressing up much anyway.
5. Baby Clothes Fashion. Seriously? All baby clothes look rubbish. They have the choice of wearing a romper suit (onesie) or clothes with an animal motif that can only be worn for three months anyway, so why bother?
6. Sibling Rivalry. Who cares if they get on? If they don’t, they can just live in another wing of Kensington Palace. They won’t have to share a bedroom like most siblings.
7. Royal Names. It will have a name. Why does it matter what it’s called? It won’t be on our Facebook friend list or speed-dial anytime soon. Unless it’s going to be called Domino’s Pizza, obviously.
8. Photographers outside the hospital for days, watching absolutely nothing and reporters saying: “There’s no news here.” What’s that all about?
9. Women talking about the weight of the baby. I kind of understand the relevance of the pounds but I’ve never understood that weird thing about knowing the ounces. It’s a portable baby they’re carrying home from hospital, not a wardrobe they’re carrying home from Argos.
And I definitely don’t want to read any more ridiculous columns about the royal pregnancy. There’s far too many.