An epidemic is sweeping Britain and there is no escape from it.
There isn’t one of you reading this who hasn’t already come into contact with it in one form or another.
“Election Fever” started last month – when Theresa May (Not to be confused with TRESemme Shampoo), dissolved parliament, presumably in a large glass of water – and called for an election on June 8th.
The symptoms start with constant visions of seeing previously unknown politicians wearing vibrant red, blue or yellow ties on your doorstep; the constant hearing of false promises, the smelling of rats, the strange tingly feeling of being duped and weird hallucinations that the Green Party will win the election.
It is also believed that watching too many Gallup surveys can leave you feeling totally poll-axed.
The symptoms are passed on by watching television, listening to radio and reading newspapers and other media.
The fever can also easily be passed onto extremely vulnerable younger generations by the constant kissing of babies by smug politicians on walkabouts.
Surely, all the hot air that politicians breathe at times like these is no good for the environment?
I have decided this year that if I can’t beat them, I may as well join them which is why I’m now standing in my local election for the Bring A Bottle Party.
I’m hoping to appeal to the bored young housewife – who I’ve had a crush on for months now.
My policies would include putting more policeman onto the streets by making them homeless; I would put a total ban on the manufacturing of airbeds, helium balloons and space-hoppers to cut inflation, and make all crime illegal. Once in power, I would give total stability to the nation by banning elections so I can’t be voted out.
My policies may be daft but maybe not as daft as some of the others you’ll be hearing from the main parties.
VOTE FOR ME!!!