There is a day in February that makes ordinarily sane people’s eyes glaze over, their pulses start racing and their hearts go pop. But enough of my cousin’s drink and legal highs birthday party; I’m here to talk about Valentine’s Day.
You can always tell how much someone loves you by the card they send…
If you get fluffy bunnies, you’re thought of as a cute and cuddly person; if you get great big hearts you’re truly adorable, if you receive a funny card, you’re a cheeky, saucy person and if you get a card with roses you’re a sweet, romantic type.
Last February I received three wise men and a camel. I have no idea what that means.
Cards sent from “secret admirers” are particularly annoying.
You can spend days wondering who it is. Is it your friendly newsagent? Your seventy year old next door neighbour or, more likely, your best mate winding you up?
Your best mate is always the person who goes into a card shop and buys loads of Valentine’s cards to provoke a reaction from the shop assistant.
I tried this once and the only reaction I got was “You’re not buying seventy two Valentine cards, get out of my bloody shop!”
As a child, I always found giving Valentine’s cards a very daunting, painful and thoroughly miserable experience.
One year I had an incredibly secret crush on a girl in my classroom. I didn’t want the world to know so I signed it from “Guess who?” She guessed wrongly and consequently went out with my best friend for three years.
Another year, I bought a girl a box of chocolates every week for six months. When I finally got my first kiss from her she weighed 18 stone and didn’t have any teeth left.
So, for those in love, Valentine’s Day is probably the best day in February. For those who aren’t, don’t despair. I find Pancake Day is a great alternative and a lot cheaper.