With Mother’s Day approaching, many children celebrate the occasion by drawing pictures of their mums.
As a child, I did likewise. The hair colour rules were simple. You’d use a black crayon if your mum had black hair. Brown crayon for brown hair, orange crayon for ginger and bright yellow crayon for blonde. You’d use a green crayon if your mum were a punk or alien and a pink crayon if your mum dyed her hair with food colouring or vanilla essence.
You’d draw a u-shaped mouth if she were happy, a n-shaped mouth if she were unhappy and a simple hyphen if she were just plain bored.
All mums were drawn wearing triangular dresses in bright vibrant garish purple and orange colours because it was an era where mums liked to dress to match their wallpaper, sofas, and curtains.
Whilst some women wore jeans or trousers, to draw a long-haired woman in trousers would just make people think your mum was Queen guitarist, Brian May.
No matter what shape or size the woman was, no child ever drew a fat mum. If anything, all mums were drawn as painfully anorexic.
It was compulsory to draw your mum with arms of different lengths and normally one more muscular than the other, depending on which arm they used for housework.
Many mums’ hands were drawn with either matchstick fingers, resembling snowman twigs or big oversized round hands because children would only see their mums wearing oven or boxing gloves.
To save their children drawing knees, mums were genetically engineered not to have any and no child knew how to draw feet, so mums were always depicted wearing Ugg Boots long before they’d been invented.
If honest, if any mum actually resembled their child’s drawing, the kids would just stay in school and refuse to go home because their mums looked bloody scary.
However your children have depicted you. If you find yourself with green hair, a muscular longer arm, knee-less and wearing a triangular dress and Ugg boots, know that depiction is coming from a genuine loving place as you stick it on your fridge door and pray for them to grow up and turn into Banksy.