I promised that I’d never use my column to write about Brexit. To be honest, it’s well above my paygrade and there are people far more informed and qualified to write about such serious topics than me.
But then I thought I’d have a go, anyway…
What I want to know is why has it become so difficult to leave the European Union? Just how difficult is it to leave anything?
If I’m somewhere I don’t want to be, I’ll nip into the toilet and ask a friend to phone me with some made up emergency where I have to get home immediately.
I’ve left my auntie’s house three times because of an alleged flood in my flat. She now always asks me why I haven’t hired a plumber to sort out my faulty kitchen taps. Why can’t Theresa May just go to Brussels and say we’re leaving because of that?
Similarly, she could say we have to leave because we’ve left a chicken in the oven. It’s probably more plausible and acceptable than what she’s offered so far.
Most people just leave places by feigning illness. Perhaps she could try that? Admittedly, it doesn’t work for all scenarios.
My dad has been in hospital seemingly since the day of the referendum and he’d be discharged to a care home now if only he didn’t keep feigning terrible illness.
Failing that, for a quick exit, she could just say we have to leave because we have a taxi waiting.
Maybe she could do what my sister always bizarrely does and say: “I have to leave because Emmerdale is starting soon.” She genuinely says that. It ruined my grandad’s funeral because grandma knew it was six hours before Emmerdale started because she watches it too.
Maybe my sister could take over the negotiations and say, “I’m sorry, we’ve got to leave because Emmerdale is starting soon.”
Or maybe we could just dump Europe by text? It totally rules out any negotiation and is the modern, very British way.