My Death Wish

Recent reports suggests that costs of funerals are rising sharply and that cemetery spaces are in short supply as people are dying to get in.
With this in mind, I decided to plan my own funeral now.
Firstly, the coffin. Not only do they come in different types of wood but now in many eco-friendly different materials. Much as I admire the bio-degradable properties and cheap cost of Iceland carrier bags, I wouldn’t want to be wrapped in them as they’d probably start bio-degrading in the hearse.
Nor would I want to be cremated and have my ashes made into a diamond ring. I’ve been engaged 3 times and married once (I am The Lord of the Rings) and experience says that ring will either end up on eBay or behind the counter of Cash Converters.
My preference would to be buried in a modern eco-friendly pod under a pre-chosen tree that relatives can tend to.
Alternatively, whilst I’m not keen to have my ashes scattered at sea because I can’t swim, I’m not adverse to heights and so having my ashes put into a firework and illuminating the night sky also sounds brilliant.
I wouldn’t want traditional hymns because everyone in my family has an awful singing voice. They’re not even good at miming. How can you not mime in sync?
Instead, I would enter the church to “The Boy With The Thorn In His Side” by The Smiths, have “Walkaway” by Cast as the ironic customary mid-service maudlin song and go out to predictable “Spirit In The Sky” (Dr and the Medics upbeat version).
I’d write and record my own eulogy because, truly, my sister cannot read, my brother has a bad stammer and my dad hates socialising and would just say “Thank you all for coming today. You’d better go home now because the traffic’s gonna get really bad.”
Finally, the wake would take place in a pub games room because I want everyone to have fun.


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