This year, I decided my New Year’s Resolution would be to take up do-it-yourself.
My meagre DIY skills are: (a) I can wire a plug – a bit useless as every electrical item now comes with a plug attached, (b) change a lightbulb and © raise the appropriate switch on the fuse-box when the electrical power has “tripped”.
My other “skill” is that I can assemble a flat-pack sideboard unassisted in a time of 7hr 42min and10 seconds and have the same smug but weary look on my face as first-time runners when they complete a marathon in the exact same time.
I’ve seemingly lived my entire life by the motto on the O’Connor family coat of arms which reads: “If you don’t have to learn it, don’t.”
Which explains why I pay the guys at Curry’s extra to connect my cooker and plumb in the washing machine. In my defence, I can plug in and switch on my own fridge and tumble dryer, so they weren’t needed for those.
I decided I wanted to put up some shelving, so I went to the library and asked the assistant if he had any books on shelves.
Making a grand sweep of his arm, he said: “Yes, all of our books are on shelves.”
True but it wasn’t quite the answer I was expecting.
Deciding I’d be too dangerous with a drill to erect shelving, I went to Ikea instead and caused some weird confusion when I said I’d like some bookcases for my DVDs and the guy replied: “Bookcases are for books, surely, you mean DVD cases?”
“No, I have DVD cases, that’s what the DVDs come in,” I said. “I want bookcases to put the DVDs on.”
And he said: No, you need a DVD player to put the DVDs on. That’s how they play.”
Deciding that DIY was gonna be much more trouble than I thought, I gave up on January 3rd.
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