Talking Dog

I saw a recent newspaper headline saying “All dogs must have chips” and I thought that’s not gonna be good for their diets.

But apparently, it’s micro-chips (healthier) and somehow to do with responsible dog ownership, public safety and re-uniting lost dogs with their owners.

Personally, I love dogs when they are on leads. I’ll often pat and stroke them whilst “talking dog.”
“Talking dog” involves adopting a husky voice – no pun intended – and saying things like: “Hello, boy,” “Who’s a lovely boy?” and “Good boy” before the owner pulls on the lead and says “Come away, Sheba” because I never check the sex of the dog first.
I have no idea why I think dogs will only understand me if I talk like Phil Mitchell.
It is unleashed dogs that I have problems with. I have become “new best friends” with unleashed big, fierce looking dogs like Alsatians and been viciously attacked by small poodles.
It is the not knowing what to expect which is disconcerting.
Yesterday, I saw a small bulldog-type dog come charging straight towards me at speed. I steadied myself and prepared for impact and, when it arrived, I received a “dead leg.”
Temporarily partially paralysed, I diffused the situation by “talking dog” to it until the owner approached.
“Don’t worry about him, he’s more likely to lick you to death than attack you.”
Not sure that was true.
“He’s a friendly dog. It says “friendly” on his collar, see?”
And, sure enough, his collar had the word “friendly” written on it.
Now, in the event of an attack, I’m not sure how this defence would stand up in court. After all, I have a t-shirt with “Batman” written on it. It doesn’t mean I go around Crime-fighting.
In my worst dog-related nightmare, I am attacked and killed by an Afghan Hound and my tombstone inscription reads: “Here lies Russell. Viciously killed by an Afghan” and it causes an unfortunate political misunderstanding that leads to World War 3.


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