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  • Having A Bubble

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    Today, I used the bubble bath my fiancée had lovingly bought me which strongly smells of spicy apples.Great, if you’re a girl but I now just smell like a guy who’s spent 24 hours on the cider.Why do women always… Read More ›

  • Delirious Dad

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    With my dad still very poorly in Medway, I’ve been making more hospital visits than Noel Edmonds does over Christmas. Every visit has become more unpredictable and bizarre as dad’s become more delusional.When I visited him yesterday, he told me… Read More ›

  • Flipping Pancakes

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    Doubtless, over the coming days, condescending celebrity chefs will be appearing on tv telling us how to make the perfect batter mix for Pancake Day.C’mon, how stupid do they think we all are? What idiot can’t make a pancake?Well, me…. Read More ›

  • No Sense Of Direction

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    Following on from last week’s column, I asked the Medway hospital receptionist the way to the ward where my dad was recovering. After I got past the door that read “Access to all areas,” I realised I’d forgotten the rest… Read More ›

  • Emergency Talks

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    Last week my frail and weak, elderly dad pulled his red helpline cord at his sheltered housing accommodation. The Lifeline operator called me to say that an ambulance had been sent because my dad was having trouble getting out of… Read More ›

  • The Evil Shredder

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    My last paper shredder tragically died in infancy after I accidentally over-fed it.It wasn’t my fault it didn’t swallow as many sheets as it claimed it could. At least my Tamagotchi gave reliable, honest feeding instructions and died in a… Read More ›

  • Shopping In Aldi

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    I hate being at the back of the Aldi checkout queue when the call comes up “We are opening till number one. Please unload your shopping at till number one” because I think, yeah I could do that.And then they’ll… Read More ›

  • Ringing The Changes

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    Between 2012 and 2017, time spent on landline calls plummeted from 103 billion to 54 billion minutes. Over the same period, mobile calls rose to 148.6 billion minutes as our phoning habits change.I remember when my family didn’t own a… Read More ›

  • Dry January

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    Many years ago, I’d go out drinking with my family, my friends and work colleagues. I stupidly kept all groups separated in case they didn’t like each other.The shocking result being that I’d be spending around 300 days a year… Read More ›

  • The Big Bag Theory

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    I remember the day the 5p carrier bag charge was introduced into England.I was in a supermarket queue when a guy jokingly said: “This won’t affect me. I’ll just bring my pelican with me and get him to carry my… Read More ›