Halloween Never Ends

Universal recently confirmed the release in October of a new Halloween film, Halloween Ends.

This will be the 13th Halloween instalment and is widely looked forward to, probably because people are now hoping it is the actual end.

In previous films, Michael Myers has fallen over a balcony and down a mineshaft, got blown up, electrocuted and been killed to death but he still keeps coming back to terrorise his sister, Laurie.

He really is taking sibling rivalry to an extreme. And for her part, she really shouldn’t be holding a grudge for this long just because he once killed all her friends and some of their family.

Surely, it’s time for them both “bury the hatchet” and preferably not in each other.

Laurie should just move on, relax and eat some Custard Creams or read Chat Magazine or something. Not arm her house with explosives and Weapons of Mass Destruction waiting for her brother to come back to give him a “warm reception”.

At this rate, she will be beating him off (not a euphemism, although she might, she looks the type) with her walking stick or running him over in her mobility scooter.

She’s become as bitter and twisted as he is and they both need to call it a day, otherwise she’ll be fighting him long after she’s died and come back as a hologram like Whitney Houston and probably with similar kicking moves.

I would suggest she’d try to escape from him permanently by emigrating to another country.

But he’d probably easily get himself a passport because he already has the ready-made passport photograph pose of hair swept away from the eyes, no sunglasses and the constant ability to stare straight ahead with a totally blank vacuous expression.

Although having the name Michael Myers on his passport might prove slightly problematic and I’m sure airport security will do a double-take and wonder if he really is the guy who voices Shrek and they won’t know because they can’t get him to talk.

I remember watching the very first Halloween film and being surprised when, after I thought he was dead, he miraculously got up from behind the sofa like the last drunken student coming back to consciousness after a wild boozy sleepover.

And then he keeps coming back, doesn’t he? Time and time again. And always at Halloween. Never November 28th.

Why is that? Is he a teacher who likes to terrorise his students during the half term break?

He never seems to have any prior arrangements, like a baseball game or basket-weaving class to go to.

A lot of the Halloween sequels are just silly and it’s time to put Michael Myers to sleep permanently. Although they’ve tried that as well with injection to no avail.

We can only hope that Halloween Ends is the actual end. How many more titles can they possibly make?

Halloween – Oh God, Here We Go Again!

Halloween – Oh FFS He’s back!

Halloween – Let’s Hope He Dies This Time – For Real.

Halloween – Oh Sod It. I’ll Kill Him Myself!

Because, I won’t deny, the continuous Halloween franchise is beginning to really freak me out and it’s becoming more like a cruel trick than a treat.

Categories:Film, Holiday

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